Goodbye Camelot

This makes little actual sense, but the Obamas leaving the White House signifies a real change to me. I can’t explain what it is, but there’s a profound sadness I feel very deeply. The sadness that only comes at the end of things you thought would last. 

I suppose in a way they were a visual representation of change for me. From 08 till now black people have gone through a cultural Renaissance. Some of us started with small baby fro’s and now swing locs thick as trees over our shoulders as we dance. In these 8 years rappers learned to talk about their feelings, then they learned to sing, then they learned they didn’t even have to be able to really sing to make us feel their soul. It went from Kanye West alone in his honest expression of regular guyness to an entire genre of people who’s sole gimmick is being human. Luke Cage has a fucking tv show. Black children were gunned down and we cried. But we marched and sang and fought. Black women stopped accepting fake compliments delivered with sincerity but filled to the brim with poison. “You pretty for a dark skinned girl” is now seen for all the horrors it encompasses. The colorism, the self hate, the echoing voice of the slave master uttering those disgusting words reflected in the tone of the field nigga that knows no better. Lupita is considered the most beautiful woman on the planet. We still had to see her be raped in a movie.

 So much tragedy and triumph intertwined in every day we lived these last 8 years. A backup quarterback took a knee. 10,000 black people flooded the streets of Atlanta in protest of police brutality. The police now are so brutal, they commit drive bys on children. We hold each other after every bullet, we cry so much together. We are all Ricky’s mama, we are all Doughboy. We laugh so much together. So much culture. Migos have an album named culture coming out, three poor black boys from the country changed how everyone rapped their lyrics. They wear so much gold and people hate them for it, Offset was locked in jail for 8 months in a racist ass town I used to live in. All cause of the gold. Every meme, every dance, every slang word was us for 8 years straight. This was the Harlem Renaissance stuffed in a firework and detonated across the entire world. All the while we did this with a black family in office. A black family with a daughter that goes to Chance the Rapper and Joey Bada$$ concerts. Beyonce became Michael Jackson, and then became maybe something greater. They have to cheat at the Grammys now to beat us. This was an ugly time, this was a beautiful time. Obama became President right as I became an adult, and now that I’m almost 30 he’s leaving. Him and his family are leaving and I’m honestly stressed out.

 Seeing them​ there really gave me hope, I don’t know if we will ever have a black president again. I honestly hope Michelle runs in 2020 with Jay-Z as Vice President. I want her back in the White House. I honestly think I need it. I really want to cry right now. 

Grew up on Jada Fire

Ima start this by saying I don’t think it’s anything inherently wrong with porn. Shit I love porn haha, and I honestly think I’ve seen some of the most beautiful women ever on xvideos.com (Melrose Foxxx is probably the baddest girl of all time, you can’t tell me different. ) But for where I’m at in my life, and more importantly where I wanna go I’m starting to think porn is the antithesis. 

To be honest I want to get to a point of respecting women more. And not on some ,pseudo male feminist this is my gimmick and how I get girls to like me shit either. I been feeling this way for a second, and watching this WWE documentary about the history of women’s wrestling kinda made me feel it even deeper.

 I don’t think I’m the worst human being on the planet, but I definitely could treat women better. I don’t think I’m captain misogyny (that would be a shitty superhero) but I got room for improvement for sure. I’ve made women feel like they lacked value by being emotionally and personally distant towards them. I’ve put women on a pedestal to the point where they may have felt no freedom to be human. I’ve made women feel unsafe in my presence cause they think all I want is sex, and even though that’s not the case, that can be a scary reality to deal with so I can understand the fear. Even though I’m not out here posting on the red pill forums, or putting roofies in girls drinks, I still got alot of room for improvement.

 I think sometimes we feel like since we aren’t currently the worst of the worst, that makes us pretty okay, but in truth it’s alot of everyday evils we commit. This brings me back to my original point, I got off on a mad tangent. I kinda think porn is a bit of detriment for me, if my goal is to respect women more. I’ve been watching porn since I was a child, which is kind of a scary thought, and I’ve noticed the change in tone over the past 15 years or so. 

Porn has always been centered around male gratification, we all know that. But over the last decade plus porn has gotten progressively more aggressive, and often violent. Which isn’t necessarily a problem cause people male and female be into all type of wild shit. The problem lies when this becomes the norm, when this is what is expected from sex and depictions of sex. Like I remember when the Throat Gaggers series of movies first came out it was a big deal ,it was kind of shocking to people, it was considered hard core. Nowadays almost every scene has an element of that. I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing to be honest. I really miss when simply seeing a woman’s naked breasts was exciting. I’m definitely not at the point where I gotta see a girl fucking deep throat a clown balloon or nothing(actually a legit thing) but I just wish things were a little different. 

Circling back around I can’t help but wonder to what level has this desensitization affected the way I treat real women. I’m wondering in my mind do I dissect women into parts and then appraise the value of those parts, or do these parts even have value to me outside of my sexual gratification. I would like to say naw I don’t do that, but I honestly don’t know. That’s why I’m taking a little step back from porn. Not quitting cold turkey, cause shit I been watching this shit since I was 12 nigga it’s a wrap I’m in there for life haha, but just a step back. 

I want to treat women better, cause they make up half the planet and half the planet is alot of fucking people bruh. Also I don’t think I deserve to be praised or pat on the back for making this decision. I’ve definitely done misogynistic things in my life and odds are will continue to do so. I’m human as fuck, but I’m definitely trying and I appreciate the patience women have with me.​

Trash on the Beach

Sometimes I worry that I might be manic depressive. It’s not that my moods wildly fluctuate or anything, it’s just I go through these intense waves of highs and lows that can be really deep on both ends. 

Sometimes I can see triggers for my shifts but alot of times it just feels like a natural oscillation. I feel like an ocean going from high tide to low tide alot. And as far as my interactions with other people my high tides can sweep people up, and my low tides can reveal alot of trash on the beach. 

It’s a weird feeling. My highs aren’t exactly happy, it’s more so an UP feeling. In those periods I’m very creative, often writing multiple songs a day, I’m talkative, I always can seem to find the right words, and I just have an ambient energy. But when I’m down it gets really deep. I’ll struggle with thoughts of self harm, it’s hard to articulate myself, I feel like I’m talking alot but not saying much, it can be a struggle to create, and these feelings of anxiety attack me really hard. 

I get stuck in this mud like emotional sludge of inferiority and anger that I can’t swim out of it. I just feel myself inhaling it and suffocating. But over the period of maybe a week or so it’ll shift back to UP and I can’t even really process those bad feelings anymore. It’s like “shit I was tripping, that ain’t real. ” But when I’m down it’s like I can’t process how I was ever happy, it’s also like “shit I’m tripping that ain’t real.” It’s all really weird. 

To be honest I struggle with balance in all areas of life. I’m like a dog, or maybe I’m like a me. The things that make me happy inflate in my chest and float me off to the sky. But the things that make me sad take root and self pollinate in me. It’s like a dark jungle gr​
owing through my spirit, where all the trees bear anxiety fruit. It’s mad extreme. Once I get some money ima definitely go to a therapist and see what’s up with me. Maybe I’m just tripping but I don’t know, I just wanna see. 

Tenchi Muyo

I don’t wanna be drafted as your backup quarterback. I don’t wanna be drafted as a backup and work my way to the starting position. I wanna play for the team that drafts me as the starter, even if that team isn’t as good. 

This is a sentiment I deal with internally all the time and it manifests itself in my external choices in regards to who I wanna share space with. I don’t necessarily see social scoreboards, the invisible point system that identifies who’s cool, I just like the people that really like me. Written out this sounds like a cool quality, but like most things it has it’s bad side. To be honest sometimes I don’t see or simply don’t care about the flaws in people that fuck with me, and sometimes them flaws be really glaring. 

I’m friends with alot of people who express views and hold sentiments that would cause me to dislike them if they weren’t my friend. It’s a real interesting hypocrisy. I’m a very opinionated person who can be judgmental, but I often find myself ignoring or simply not even considering serious flaws in people simply cause they like me.

 It’s like how Naruto always fucked with Sasuke, even though Sasuke is clearly a dick and tried to assassinate their world’s government. I’m like Naruto in that situation. I think the reason I’m like this is cause for as long as I can remember I always felt alone and ostracized. It was like everything I did was under scrutiny and the verdict always came back as a big stamp on my forehead labeled “defective and bothersome.” I either was too quiet, or when I talked I “talked white” my skin was too dark, the video games I liked were weird, blah blah typical black kid in the 90s struggles haha.

 My experience is far from unique but I see how it’s shaped me as an adult. I think due to these experiences I tend to heavily gravitate towards people that don’t treat me that way. I’ve developed a real addiction to people that treat me the opposite, folks that treat me like a star. And to be honest I’m probably not gone change. It’s a feeling I went my entire childhood and adolescence largely bereft of, so now that I have at it as an adult I’m really not tryna go without it. 

Sometimes I worry about that fact. This is a sentiment I’m highly susceptible to, and I know it can sway my choices. I worry about how it would figure into a relationship. I used to say i could never see myself cheating on anyone, but now I see some circumstances where I either would or would be greatly tempted.

 If I was with a person who I perceived didn’t see me as a valued asset, a starting quarterback, I would probably feel really resentful. I don’t think that resentment would manifest itself immediately but if someone else came along that gave me that feeling I would instinctively want to be around them and spend time with them. I’m not saying I would automatically cheat but I know that feeling would be really strong. 

Hopefully I would have the guts to talk to my partner like “hey this what I been feeling, what’s up?” I’m glad I’m aware of these feelings I have tho. I just don’t necessarily know what to do with them, cause honestly I don’t know if I’m gonna grow out of th​
is or if I even want to. Ideally I would just live life on some Tenchi Muyo shit with a house full of hot girls that love me haha, but that’s a lil bit of a stretch. 

Devour

I hate how the world makes nice people feel weak simply cause they don’t devour others to feed themselves. The problem is no one wants to be identified as sheep, as prey, so these beautiful awesome people often times end up idolizing the perceived wolf. Wolves are mysterious, powerful, and largely untameable. When you been hurt and victimized by these creatures over and over again you end up desiring those same qualities for yourself.

 It’s a mixture of two things I think. On one hand you blame yourself, you think well shit if I had these wolf like traits I could defend myself. And then on a deeper level you take it as the caste system of the wild. Wolves never seem to hunt and devour other wolves. So since their fangs are only ever bared at you, it must be your role. Your part in the ecosystem is to provide sustenance for the powerful ,for the ruling class. It’s a sick feeling. When we feel weak we never stop and think that these wolves hunt us exclusively cause they themselves are afraid. That maybe they hunt us out of cowardice and fear of a bigger predator.

 We don’t think about it like that cause no one wants to be sheep. We view our society in these binaries of predators vs prey, wolves vs sheep, lions vs zebras. And if you’re not winning you automatically feel like the prey animal. That works well enough in nature, but I think it’s a seriously harmful thought process when applied to human interaction. 

Let’s strip away this animal system and look at it for what it is. You have people that aren’t capable of human interaction unless they are taking from another, and you have people who in turn find themselves bereft of joy because it’s been usurped by another. The wolves don’t seem as cool when you break it down for what it is. There are people who take and take and steal and snatch and claw and abuse by nature it seems. All their interpersonal interactions seem to end with them leaving someone broken. I can’t say if this is a deliberate choice or just an intrinsic part of them. I think at any time it can be either one. The one thing that IS clear to me though, regardless of their motivation they have no right to take from you. And you in turn have no obligation to allow them to hurt you. 

Even if it is their nature, them niggas need to learn to suck that shit up and play nice. We all got natures about ourselves we need to work on, ain’t no reason they can’t work on theirs. There’s no reason you have to feel like a sheep. You are not simply sustenance for another to live. You have your own dreams, your own desires. You are not here for the benefit of other people. You are here for you. 

Simple and Clean

What I want out of a partner is a very warm safe feeling. A feeling of innocence, like I got my childhood back almost in a crazy way. When we together or when we communicate it feels like being very pure. 

Haha it’s funny but now that I put it in words the feeling I be liking is very reminiscent of the song from kingdom hearts 1, Simple and Clean. This type of connection doesn’t necessarily foster a sexual energy though. And I’m definitely of the opinion a healthy relationship needs elements of love and lust. Preferably so intertwined they just become one overwhelming feeling of happiness. 

I’ve noticed that my relationships with women tend to fall in one extreme or the other. They either very much a spiritual connection of pure intimacy that doesn’t manifest itself sexually often, or they 99% sexual and there’s always this wall up inside me that keeps me from connecting or sometimes even wanting to connect. Even though I’m a very sexually charged person (i.e. perv/down for whatever) I be wondering do I subconsciously view sex as dirty or something. Like once I share sexual energy with someone does that taint them as damaged and unclean to me. If that’s the case then I would say maybe my issue isn’t with sex itself but rather my own sexual energy and to a larger extent myself. 

I don’t find myself victim to the classic Madonna/Whore complex where I view certain women as pure and therefore unfuckable, while simultaneously condemning another subset of women as dirty. I very much wanna have sex with girls that I have intimate connections with. I definitely don’t view them as these untouchable angels, but maybe there is something going on inside of me that’s making this whole sex and love thing very challenging. Well I know there’s something going on haha otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. 

I just don’t know if I’ve met anyone that wants to receive me in all the forms I come in. As a friend, a sexual being, a confidant, a comedian, a sometimes tortured artist, a joker, a smoker, a midniiight toker (for everyone that got that joke this was the best part of the article. ) And in turn maybe I have found a person willing to receive me, but I wasn’t willing to receive them. Shits real man. We all just out here tryna have good sex and pay our bills I suppose. I don’t know I don’t have any answers really but I do feel a bit better after writing this.